Deanne Schildroth dot com

I don’t think I posted about it at all on this blog, but I’ve actually been in school this past academic year.

I went back to university in September, to pursue an English degree. It was something I always wanted – education focusing on reading and writing, and a bachelor’s degree. I attended post secondary school in the early 2000s, opting for a polytechnic school where I got a diploma in Fashion Design and Merchandising. After that, I started a BFA in technical theatre for costume design but dropped out after 1 year. At that point, I had been in school for 4 years, my mental health was suffering and the student loan debt was starting to stress me out.

21 (gasp!) years later, a few people I knew talked about being in school, or going back. The wheels started to turn in my brain and soon it was all I could think about. Practically on a whim I applied to the University of Regina’s English program last May. I quickly received an acceptance letter. I decided to take 2 classes a semester – 1 elective and 1 related to my degree.

It was going to take a while, eat up a lot of spare time, money, and energy. But anything worth doing is worth the effort, right? So in the fall, I took an English class in the evening, and an online elective. The time suck wasn’t too bad. I still worked full time and took two dance classes a week at the studio I’ve been going to for a couple years.

I felt excited and saw myself in the future getting writing and editing jobs, maybe even teaching. There were some classes on the horizon that I wasn’t sure how I was going to schedule, but I had seen so many motivational articles and videos encouraging people to just start a project and figure out the details later. As someone prone to over-thinking and not actually starting a lot of projects because I’d get lost in the weeds and what-ifs, I figured things would just work themselves out. Life, uh, finds a way, and all that.

In the winter semester, I took another English class, this time with online lectures one evening a week, plus another elective, completely online. I anxiously awaited the spring and summer semester registration to open up so I could take a class or two over the summer break as well.

Having access to previous years’ schedules, I could see when certain classes were offered in other years. Spring registration finally opened up and a pattern became apparent. A couple classes I needed seemingly always happened mid-day, 3 days a week, in person only.

I did a lot of thinking about the future at this point. I work from home, 8-430, Monday to Friday. While my boss is generally cool and if I asked, I absolutely could take every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon in May and June off to get through this class, that would eat up all my vacation time from work. I’m a dedicated student, yes, but I could see burn out coming from a mile away.

Maybe I could quit this job, find something more flexible? It might mean working two jobs to ensure I’m still making enough money to support myself. But God, working two jobs, possibly giving up healthcare and security? In this economy? As of writing, I’m about to turn 46 tomorrow. I’m single. I have a mortgage. My number one priority is making money to support myself. Now is not the time to be fucking off and working 20 hours a week at Starbucks.

Slowly, it dawned on me: this is not going to work. If I had a partner who could support me while I go to school, maybe. If more classes were available online or in the evenings, as I was lead to believe, maybe. If I had some magical job that paid really well and had actual flexible hours like taking mornings off or something, maybe.

If only.

If only.
If only.

So, I finished up my two classes this semester and… that’s the end of this little foray into higher education. Where’s my Two-Time University Dropout participation badge?! I know this is the right decision for my mental health and my bank account. But man, that bachelor’s degree would have been so nice. Would it have opened doors for me, gotten me new and exciting jobs and opportunities? Maybe.

Maybe not. I would be at least 50 by graduation. It’s hard for women in that age bracket to find new jobs, educated or not. I wasn’t doing it for the job prospects. That is really hard for some people to grasp. University = job, right? For me, it was more the prestige and recognition of doing something Big. My lower-middle class family didn’t prioritise post-secondary education. My polytechnic schooling was great, for sure, but a Bachelor’s degree would have boosted my profile, as least to me.

I’ve always been a person that has a Big Project on the go. For a long time, it was small businesses selling crafts and clothes I made. Every spare minute was spent making stuff to sell at markets or online. Eventually, I put that to bed when the amount of work I was putting in was not equal to any revenue I was making. A new big adventure was just what I needed. I had always wanted an English degree; I considered it when I went to school the first time.

I realised two things with this latest venture:

1. I am just not made to Hustle. I always feel like I need to be doing something grand, but I just don’t have the energy or drive to see it through. Maybe if I did, I would have a successful fashion line now, or a bigger house, or a smaller waistline. I work hard when I need to, but I don’t always need to. I’m starting to realise that it’s ok do your little crafts and art projects, care for your garden and pets, and do some sidequests. A quiet life is perfectly acceptable.
2. The other realisation: I was maybe using the English degree as “permission” to write. Like I needed an English degree before I could even think about having the audacity to publish. I might have made some connections through the university that would help with that, but I can also submit to journals and publish stuff here and write stuff for my YouTube channel. In my youth, I was writing and publishing zines all the time – no one needed to give me permission!

So while I have accepted that the constant busy-ness is not something that gels with my life, and university is not for me, I am still writing and drawing and sewing and painting and dancing. It’s ok (probably better?) if the things you love aren’t making you rich and famous.

With no Big Project on the horizon, I feel free. I can do anything! Yes, I still have to work, pay my mortgage and taxes, but outside of Monday to Friday, 8-430, the world is my oyster. And I know there’s a shiny pearl with my name on it.